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When Love Feels Anxious

  • Writer: Natalia Morato
    Natalia Morato
  • 14 hours ago
  • 2 min read

With Valentine’s Day coming up, relationships can feel especially at the forefront of our minds during the month of February. We’re often told that love should feel safe, calm and secure, but for many people love can feel anxious. This may show up as overthinking texts, needing frequent reassurance or often questioning if you are “too much” or “not enough”.


If this resonates with you, it doesn’t mean you’re incapable of a healthy relationship or love. Rather, it reflects how your nervous system has learned to respond to intimacy and closeness.


Understanding attachment 

Attachment theory suggests there are three main types of attachment: secure, anxious and avoidant. Secure attachment allows for a healthy, comfortable relationship while maintaining independence. Avoidant attachment involves discomfort with emotional closeness and the tendency to pull away when things get deeper. Anxious attachment is marked by a strong desire for closeness paired with a deep fear of losing it. Love may feel uncertain, even when things are going well.


What does anxious love look like?

  • Struggling to trust consistency, even when it’s there

  • Feeling nervous when things are going well

  • Monitoring tone, response time or small shifts in behavior

  • Seeking constant that brings only temporary relief


Where does this all come from? 

Research suggests that our attachment styles typically develop during infancy in our relationships with our caregivers. Anxiety in relationships can also be shaped by past experiences of  abandonment, betrayal or emotional unavailability, as well as cultural messages that love must be earned. 


The important thing to remember is that attachment styles are not fixed - evidence suggests they are malleable and can change over time.


So what is the next step?

Anxious love is a learned behavior that can be unlearned. If love feels more stressful than safe, therapy can help you navigate relationship patterns, build internal safety and learn how to experience connection with more confidence, ease and security. Healing anxious attachment is not about changing who you are, it’s about learning to feel safe while staying connected.


Written by: Natalia Morato

 
 
 

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